Dear Friend,
Hope the month of January is treating you well; not too cold, not too hot…just the right ‘temperature’. This time each year my church holds a 21-day fast and we are entering day 10 of this awesome experience. Today as I reviewed my Instagram blog timeline, I came across another ministry @marriageisdope ‘s post about what else…marriage. The post pointed to Proverbs 18:21 which speaks of death and life in the power of the tongue. It brought back some very powerful memories about my marriage from the year 2015. Going into that year, I was at the peak of my physical transformation from post-partum thus felt really good about myself-physically which in turn translated into peak physical and sexual chemistry with my husband. At the start of the 21-day fast that year, I felt the Lord speaking to me that I needed to use that year – 2015 – and speak life into my marriage. I wasn’t fully strong in my spiritual awakening of the Holy Spirit so it took me till May of 2015 to really obey the voice of the Spirit and begin what turned out to be a transformational journey of my physical and emotional presence in my marriage.
#marriagefastmonday is what I tagged this process; an intercession activity of prayer and fasting for our marriage and marriages near and far from us. Bottom line, this experience not only brought my husband and me closer but brought us closer to God where we truly understood the meaning of “three stranded cord not easily broken” Ecclesiastes 4:12 and what a covenant marriage should be about. We spoke life over our marriage that year; we dedicated a day to focusing less on our physical needs (food) and more on our spiritual needs which transformed our covenant marriage.
So when I saw @marriageisdope ‘s post, I couldn’t help but go down memory lane and blissfully reminisce on some of the things that make our marriage dope. You might be reading this and thinking well, I’m not married. All I can say is if you plan to, wish to, desire to be married, I pray that someday your marriage has some of the following elements to make it dope:
Build a grace filled marriage – a book by Dr. Tim Kimmel gives you the missing ingredient after love in marriage – grace. Check it out on amazon. I stumbled upon this book during a trying time in our marriage where I realized I didn’t have an ounce of grace for my husband; I was so quick to point out what he had done wrong but always seeking God’s grace on my life, how ironic was that. This book and its resources on Right Now media transformed me – us.
Team work makes the dream work – it’s been work but we have worked at being a
team on all areas of our married life. The 1st year of our marriage almost ended in divorce because of selfishness and unforgiveness. With the help of our church’s marriage classes, we learned the process of shedding the unselfishness (which stemmed from childhood experiences) and forgiving one another. In the newness of our marriage, we vowed to be a team in all things. This means being on the same page with our finances, our friendships, our career goals, and our family goals…everything…even household chores…serving each other all day, every day!
Be transparent and work at challenges – don’t put a mask over it; don’t push it under the rug; don’t postpone it indefinitely; it only cuts deeper and makes things pile up leading to a terrible blow up. If communication is a challenge, be honest with each other and work at it; if finances is challenge, be honest with each other and work at it; if handling conflict is a challenge, if sex is a challenge, if friends are a challenge, if family is a challenge, if social media is a challenge…whatever the challenge is, be transparent, find and seek resources and work at it. One thing I love about my marriage is that, when we see red flags in any area, we bring it up (many nights we’ve stayed up in our almost 8 years of marriage) and talk about it till both of us come to a forgiving and mutual go forward understanding.
Make decisions together – it’s an ‘us’ in the marriage, not ‘me’ and ‘him’ kinda
deal. The day we got married we became one – a ‘we’ which means I lost all rights to make individual decisions. If team work makes the dream work; if I want our marriage to thrive on a team by being more selfless and less selfish, then I shouldn’t make decisions without consulting my better half first. From big decisions such as buying a Coach purse to small decisions such as confirming an invite for a Super bowl party. The lesson here is don’t assume your spouse will be on board with it, run it by him/her, not because you are seeking permission but because you respect and love them, you are a team and you need his/her support.
Have fun through the rainy and sunny days – I can’t stress enough the importance
of God being one of the three cords in your marriage because when the rainy days come, it is you, your spouse and God; and when the sunny days come, it is you, your spouse and God. Laughter is good for the soul – enjoy the little moments in between – a selfie here, a slap on the butt there (lol), a hug, a dry joke… I have cried in my husband’s arms when I didn’t know what the heck was wrong with my hormones; and I have wiped away his tears when a beloved friend passed from cancer. When I am weak, he is strong for me; and when he is weak I am strong for him; this level of emotional transparency binds your souls and deepens your love…
I can write endlessly about why marriage is dope but it wouldn’t make any sense until you unselfishly let down your walls, embrace your spouse for their imperfections, and commit to building a covenant marriage glued in faith and obedience for the Word of God. Our marriage is dope not because we are two perfect individuals, it is dope because we are two imperfect people who have chosen to be One interlocked with a perfect God thus becoming a perfect union. I pray you continue to bliss in your marriage and if you are yet to find yours, I pray you allow God to lead you to it.
Be Blessed, Stay FREE,
Kate