The Unspoken Divide: Navigating Relationship Estrangements

I have the honor and privilege of sharing Christ’s love with a group of about one-hundred and thirty plus adults (both male and female) every Wednesday in the marketplace. When God called me to minister to His children - primarily through writing, teaching, and coaching and counseling, I did not know how. I only knew of two places I needed to live out my fundamental purpose of loving God, glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever. These two places were the Ministry which includes my home and all that is connected to me, and the Marketplace which includes my career and all that is connected to me there. I thought God would take me out of corporate America and plant me in the Ministry full time. This is still a heart desire and in His time, if that’s His will, it will happen. For now, I get to minister in ministry and the marketplace. 

I struggled for a while in the Marketplace. I was desperately trying to know how to be authentically spiritually myself and not compromise my beliefs, and faith. Eventually through the counsel of the Holy Spirit, I found a way. The way was connecting with coworkers by sharing bits and pieces of my testimony and asking curious questions about their life journeys. As time went on, walls came down and coworkers would ask spiritual questions in the workplace. Using wisdom, I answered them and directed them to resources I personally could vouch for. 

The group of one-hundred and thirty plus adults I still meet with every Wednesday has grown to become a staple in the organization. Coworkers look forward to this time to learn and grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and so on. One such meeting occurred recently where we discussed estrangement and relational cut-offs. I often pray before each session and this session was no different. While I did not share Scripture in the session, contributors to the session raised some in agreement. 

This practice of ‘Estrangement’ is now an epidemic amongst many groups in the United States of America and around the world. Most people would rather cut-off than cool-off because they do not want to sit in any emotional or mental discomfort. So now, there are people who are walking in silent conflicts, division, and loneliness. All because, relating with people can be “hard, draining, robbing a person off their peace and mental health, overwhelming”. 

I understand. 

Let’s call a spade a spade! People can be and are “a lot” sometimes! 

But what does it mean to be a Christian if not to bear temporary (keyword ‘temporary’) discomfort and suffering (see 2 Corinthians 4:17)? If Christians depended on Christ fully as the source of their peace, strength, power, wouldn’t we have the endurance and wisdom to navigate relationships well and learn to cool-off more than cut-off? We have embraced worldly concepts so much these days, it is hard to differentiate the biblical Christian from everyone else. 

Estrangement is not God’s desire and heart. It is a survival concept and practice that enables us human beings walk through the strains of relating with other humans. I am reminded of the story of Jacob and Esau and how after many years (20 years) of being separated, Jacob in his own thoughts felt his brother would harm him because of the sin he committed against him when they were younger. However, Esau, having walked through “an adulting  in God” process of his own, embraced his brother. What Jacob feared did not happen and they reconciled. The relationship did not fully materialize after their reconciliation that day, but both men went into their various callings and directions with peace in their hearts (Read Genesis 32 and 33) because, God is Peace, He is order not chaos. Another encouragement can be found in the relationship between Apostle Paul and John Mark (read Acts 13-15, 2 Timothy 4:11). 

Estrangement creates chaos in the heart that nothing can quickly and easily satisfy. 

Nothing. 

Only love… the love as God intends for us to have and give - yes, that kind of love; only that love can heal estrangement. 

So what causes estrangement?

• Trauma and the aftermath of it - unmanaged mental illness and mental well-being

• Conflict - differences in people’s beliefs, core values, perspectives, even biblical understanding and interpretations. 

• Relationship experiences - family members have different realities while living in the same home and have a lack of understanding for each other’s experiences. 

• Unmet needs and expectations - looking to humans to fulfill our deepest longings, yearnings, and needs as well as our wants. We expect people to show up a certain way and when they fall short, we do not extend forgiveness but create narratives in our minds and allow such narratives to become ideas we hold against the person. Unmet needs is such a problem that can unfortunately have people searching and pursuing the wrong things. 

• Spirit of Pride - saved the maybe not so obvious for last. We direct our needs at the wrong relationships, we look to humans to fulfill all our needs and when we aren't 'getting what we need', we (without consulting the Holy Spirit), cut them off to "protect our peace". We cut them off because "they are no longer serving me." This is the Spirit of Pride at play because Jesus instructs Believers to do the opposite - love enemies, do good to them, bless them, greatness in His Kingdom is serving others not being served...

Estrangement is a type of ‘Loss’ and with loss, comes grief. But how many people have ever thought of grieving a relationship they emotionally cut-off? Loss is not only about death, loss occurs everyday around us. Some losses are truly minor and some are major. If there was ever an attachment to that person or thing, when you are no longer connected to them in any way, you have experienced loss. Question is, have you grieved such a loss? 

There are some incidents or situations in life that may be out of our control and inevitably creates estrangement in our lives. Estrangement can happen even medically, when a parent or family member or someone you are attached to begins to lose their memory. Divorce can also create estrangement in family relationships and friendships. 

Before I share some six ways to navigate estrangement biblically and not lose your soul, I want to touch on when ‘a healthy estrangement’ is absolutely ok. I personally will not call pair ‘healthy’ with ‘estrangement’ but using the term this way may help in understanding what is healthy and what is unhealthy. What do you do when a relationship is unsafe? Meaning there is abuse (not loosely used but rather, you believe your life is in danger, your soul is torn down due to unkind and repeated hurtful perceptions about who you are, you do not have financial freedom to have basic human needs met etc). When there is abuse in relationships, the first thing to do is know that you are not a ‘wrong’ human being and to immediately seek support and help. Next, you want to stabilize mentally, emotionally, financially etc. At this point, the person you have cut-off due to abuse is physically not around but emotionally and mentally, they could be around. When you do come to a stabilization state, and involve the Bible in your healing process, you may have to complete a vital step for absolute freedom. 

Forgive those who hurt you. For there to be a ‘healthy estrangement’, there must be forgiveness. You may know my testimony but if you don’t, you can check out my Podcast - Choose to Live FREE! Podcast episode 34. I forgave my abusers, some I have encountered since the forgiveness process, and some I haven’t. I am ‘estranged’ from them in a healthy way in that I do not associate with them or are in connection with them. They have no control over me - not in thought, deed or in feelings. When they come to mind, I am quick to pray for them and praise God for keeping me. This is what I call ‘healthy estrangement’.  

Now, with the exception of abusive situations, let's examine the six ways in which you can begin walking with Christ through estrangement and not lose your soul to what culture or the world teaches. 

1. Radical acceptance of the truth (facts): Strong’s Concordance defines ‘accept’ as “to receive in a welcoming way”. Sometimes you may need to work through a bit of shock that there is a tearing happening in the relationship and you are unable to hold on any longer. Accepting the truth and reality can often hurt and so some of us may be in denial, doing all we can to hold on. When the most useful step to take is to allow what is obvious to happen and you accept it as is. You may even have some hope in the midst of the pain that God reconciles, and maybe restore the relationship but you leave it to Him. Grieve the loss, and leave room in your heart from a posture of obedience that if a time ever comes, and God asks you to pursue some sort of healing, you will. Romans 15:7 tells us to “accept all people” and in Romans 12:18 we are instructed that if it is possible, as far as it depends on us, we must live in peace with everyone.
   

2. Healthy boundaries must be deployed: I am not a proponent of guarding your heart when it is sick and unhealthy. All you are doing is keeping the bad stuff in as they continue to destroy and kill your heart. You must first purge the junk from there (Luke 5:37-39) by inviting Truth in; light overcomes darkness! Also, begin to pursue God’s peace to guard your heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). Healthy boundaries must always have a foundational element of forgiveness and love in your heart. You don’t have to speak to the person but you love that person as Christ loves you and forgives you of your sins daily. Healthy boundaries can be physical, spiritual, emotional, technological, mental, and even relational. Bottomline is, whatever boundary you put up, if you are not walking it out in love and forgiveness, you are out of alignment with what the Holy Spirit counsels. Judas was not in Jesus’s top 3 of friends but he was being discipled by Jesus. Peter was one of Jesus’ top 3 disciples, and Jesus knew he would betray Him.
   

3. Build a strong network of trusted advisors and friends: when the enemy isolates you, he can destroy you. Of all the created things God put on this earth, one creation He said “was not good” to be alone - “man” (Genesis 2:18). You may have lost some relationships or walked away to cool off. Don’t apply how a person treated you and from unhealed and unresolved trauma, believe that ‘all people’ are the same. Fear can grip the heart and infect it with lies and if you are not careful, you will believe the lie and remain bound in isolation and loneliness. You don’t need a lot of friends, you need a few people who show up and embrace you wholeheartedly. Start by praying and asking God to help you find your people. Pursue a connection with one person, be genuine, authentic, transparent, and most importantly, vulnerable. Being vulnerable is preceded by trusting and trust develops from consistency. Look for those who are consistent in your life and are genuinely interested in you. As they make time for you, remember to also make time for them, after all, relationships grow in mutual agreement and consent of effort.  

4. Begin reframing your identity on God: this is very important if you had your identity wrapped up in a relationship. Meaning, you were quite codependent on that person or group. Watch out for soul ties! Your identity must be from one Person - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. You must be able to define who you are in Truth not in the trials and tribulations you’ve walked through. We must be careful not to only define ourselves as “redeemed, refined, restored” without foundationally agreeing with God that His Spirit dwells in us and that we are His children. Define your identity in Christ by understanding what it means to be a child of God, a follower and disciple of Jesus, a person led by the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:16-26 instructs us to be led by the Spirit so we will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Your spiritual DNA is God - Jesus - Holy Spirit. Believe this!
   

5. Release and let go of any feelings that keep you stuck: estrangement can bring on feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, shame, and grief. Be careful not to hold on to these feelings as your identity. Be careful not to see yourself through the lenses of feelings when seeing yourself through faith is your mandate as a Christian. Feelings are fickle, unstable, and change from moment to moment. Feelings are indicators that something is happening within you that requires attention. Pay attention to the feeling but don’t stay there. When you dwell on the past over and over again, you rewire your brain, when you dwell on the possibility of moving forward and on the promises of God, you require your brain. You may not totally forget BUT you can forget (Isaiah 43:18-19) (meaning you don’t think about that person, dwell on the situation every moment of your daily existence). The key phrase is “do not dwell”; that is how you eventually release and ‘forget’ the past. Physically, you can journal, you can talk it out with friends, a Bible believing Christian Coach or Therapist.
   

6. Reconciliation is possible but let God lead you there: as previously shared concerning Jacob and Esau, reconciliation must be God’s business and initiated by Him. You will know when reconciliation is possible the moment you begin “praying for your enemies and blessing those who curse you” (Matthew 5:44)! At that moment, your heart has begun to be filled with God’s love and you have surrendered to His will. Reconciliation can be desired by one party and not both. If you desire it, pray about it. God only knows if that will be a good wise move in your journey. It will all be according to His timing. The good thing is, your heart is now malleable, and remains in a posture of forgiveness and love. Reconciliation is different from restoration! You may reconcile and the relationship may not be fully restored. You remain on cordial terms and that's it but your heart is healed because of forgiveness and you are able to sleep at night. 

I have walked through estrangement by choice and by circumstances. If I had to do over estrangement by choice, I would run quickly to Jesus for help! The weight and burden of the unforgiveness caused me many years of silent heartaches and headaches. When we encounter relational problems, a good question to ask ourselves is “do I need a cooling off period?” or “is this truly a cut-off period?” Sometimes…most times, a cooling off period can be all we need and allow your heart to walk in obedience - listen more, talk less, understand with a heart of humility, pray for them, ask God how you should show up in their lives etc. These are prayers that from personal experience God answers quickly because He is a Peacemaker not a Peacekeeper. 

As a Christian, we are encouraged to live at peace with everyone if it is at all possible, and doing all we can, we must pursue peace. Peace is Jesus, and where we have trust we have peace! I pray the peace of God - the Person, the Fruit, the  Gift - continues to be with you, all of God’s peace be with you and that you have an obedient courage to be an instrument of peace this season and always. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2026!

Be good, be godly.

Kate