Summer 2016
“My prayer God is that you make in me a new creation, that you cause me to look within and address why this bitterness in my heart. Why this anger? I know it is by your help and guidance that the dark cloud which has penetrated my mind and my heart will be replaced with light. I pray that you give me the strength to battle the enemy through prayer and speaking your Word. Please help me to find lightness in my heart, so I can love my husband and be affectionate toward him. This is my prayer, in Jesus name, Amen”.
~Journal Entry January 2016
This is the prayer of a woman who is ready to fight. Fight for her marriage. Fight for her future. Fight for who she believes she can be but life circumstances have stolen her peace, her joy, her innocence. And so she wakes up one morning and sends out a heart’s cry for help. Her marriage is experiencing a serious itch, her relationship with family and those she regards as friends feel shallow and empty, she doesn't know how to open her heart to the purity of motherhood - loving other humans unconditionally. Her heart is sick, her mind is equally sick as well.
When I was in the depths of my depression, spiraling out of control in my mind with unworthy thoughts about myself, I kept remembering this phrase “you can run but you can’t hide…from your shadow, from the truth, from the light”. A reflective look in the rearview mirror today and I can honestly say that is true. At some point in your life journey, you have to make a sharp U-turn and pick up all those broken pieces to create a cleaner pathway moving forward.
Are you ready to fight for your heart?
You have an unsettled prideful feeling in your stomach anytime you think about apologizing to someone.
You have this envious feeling when you see another woman happy, enjoying life.
You give side-swiped smart comments and are quick with your mouth when someone makes you feel ‘insignificant’.
You boil with anger at the slightest inconsistency or unexpected downs in your relationships. Your heart is superficially open to the possibility of loving others unconditionally yet your heart is stonewalled, cold.
Your friendships lack depth, your marriage lacks spice and good wonder, the days seem to pass you by with no meaning in them.
You have way too many squatters in your ‘home’ - your heart and it is time to politely ask them to leave. They have overstayed their welcome. Your heart is precious to God and as you begin to cry out to Him for help, He also draws near to you. But this ‘home’ which is to be His permanent dwelling is occupied. Because of these squatters, there is no room for God, for true love.
That morning when I cried out to God asking for help, saving my marriage was secondary to the primary reason. I needed help in my heart and mind. It was time for me to evacuate the squatters whom I had allowed in permanently without gaining fulfillment from them. Unforgiveness had robbed my marriage the essence of true love, anger had robbed my daughter the essence of a patient mom, pride had robbed my friends the essence of a vulnerable friend, envy had robbed others the essence of a supportive caring soul. But here is the kicker; while you may think that others are being robbed, guess who is getting hurt the most? You, your heart, your mind, your being!
Yes, your actions can and will hurt those you love and create (maybe) unpleasant impressions with acquaintances but those walls you’ve built up, soon, loved ones stop trying to climb it, break it… people just tolerate you. But why do you want to be tolerated? Wouldn’t it be better for you to belong? For you to experience the true essence of emotional, mental, and spiritual freedom?
You want to ‘protect’ your heart. I know.
You want to ‘guard’ your heart and mind. I know.
You want to ‘protect’ your peace. I know.
You want to ‘keep’ a small circle of ‘trusted’ friends. I know.
You want to ‘control’ the outcome. I know.
You don’t want to get hurt. I know.
You don’t want to open old wounds. I know.
You don’t have time to heal. I know!
You don’t know where to begin. I know.
To be honest, all things eventually come to a head and you have a choice to make.
I had a choice to make. Choose the path of divorce and continue to be who I was or choose the path facing my own ‘demons’ not my husband’s, my own demons and be surprised by God. I chose the latter, hesitantly, because I knew what the other would do and I believed that a generational curse had to be broken. If that breaking was to start with me, I was willing to allow it.
So, aren’t you tired of fighting the wrong battle?
Aren't you tired of keeping up appearances?
Aren’t you tired of not wanting to scroll but you scroll anyway and end up feeling miserable?
Aren’t you tired of praying for your marriage and not experiencing true peace about what is happening?
Aren’t you tired of always being in control and yet wanting to not be in control but the, being in control is all you know to do to make sure the outcome is exactly what you expected?
Aren’t you tired of pretending to be OK when deep down inside you are wounded, injured?
Aren’t you tired of living for the expectations of man and getting lost in who you are?
Aren’t you tired of being tired?
If you are, then it is time to dial 9-1-1-1 Psalm 91:11
“For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways”
God wants to fight for and with you.
You don’t have to fight alone. There is a whole army ready to wage war with you on the battlefield - in your mind, in your heart, in your wounded soul.
They will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (v.12)
Invite in forgiveness and embrace the path of a grace-filled journey.
You have to make the decision to fight - fight for your heart, fight for your freedom.
How do you fight? Stay tuned for the next read...
Yours in FREEdom,
Kate